So the rumors are true: Pernod Ricard is selling Wild Turkey, which Pernod claims is "not a strategic brand." Apparently, Pernod headquarters did not receive and review my long-in-the-works marketing plan for a vertically integrated, 21st-century cocktail that would spread Pernod elegance throughout the modern "barplace" by combining:
2 parts Pernod aux extraits d'Absinthe, frozen into cubes
1.75 parts room temperature Wild Turkey
3 parts Malibu coconut-flavored rum (another fine spirit in the PR family)
At last, a barkeep's recipe that is as easy as it is delicious:
Pour Wild Turkey over Absinthe cubes.
Raise glass to light and admire.
Mix in that Malibu. (Ratio is suggested, but ultimately unimportant, as we all know that there is no such thing as too much Malibu.)
Then, the coup de grace: 1 box ultra-homogenized boxed milk, any variety, chilled. Or hot. Whatever's clever!
Pour to taste, and enjoy while pondering the vast history of man and his cocktails, stretching back to the origins when the Neanderthal tribe built their first distillery at Stonehenge.
Call it the Ultimate Sundowner, or call it The Bearmaniac -- this cocktail would have offered a drinking experience like no other and surely swept the nation, single-handedly ensuring Pernod's interest in the American whiskey market for decades to come. But, alas, it is not mean to be. Wild Turkey will be owned by Campari. And we all know that there never was, is, nor shall there ever be Campari in any version of The Bearmaniac.
