Joshuah Bearman

A New Horizon in Viral Video Elegance

Is what this video offers:

Watching it again, I hereby declare this to be the most succinct and effective commentary on the modern American workplace. Not to mention: a testament to the lasting power of The Backstreet Boys. I love the pacing, the escalation, the Busby Berkeley in office chairs effects. And while we're at it, I'd say this video is inadvertently a genius spec ad for Mac. One take + five computers + iMovie = office ennui sublimated into five minutes of verve, abandon and fun times!

The Yankee Pillow Dance

So: I am mildly obsessed with the Tsim Fuckiis phenomenon, having been sent one of the videos on the cusp of discovery one night by my pal, John. Tsim Fuckiis (or, depending, Fuckis, and also Fuckus), aka Chick3n Little, is a Progeria-afflicted Juggalo who had put up more than a dozen videos of himself on YouTube wherein he ranted some deranged shout-outs, lip-synced Offspring (preface: "This is an original!"), flexed at the camera, revealing what appears to be a penis on his stomach, sang a bizarre homophobic sing-song ditty, and fell over while trying demonstrate his kung fu powers on a stool. The whole thing was sordid but deeply fascinating. But not for everyone: I showed them to Ronni and she got mad at me. Then the videos disappeared overnight. Maybe his parents found out what was going on. Thankfully (one supposes), various enterprising YouTubers managed to preserve them for posterity. I know it's wrong, but I just can't stop looking. What really got me was the fact that genetics had dealt this poor fellow a cruel hand, dramatically limiting his time on earth, and what did he do with those few previous years? This. What also struck me about Tsim Fuckiis' juggalo act was that, at times, it seemed half-hearted. I mean, he's stomping around talking about his crew and ICP and all that, while on the dresser in the background is a Strawberry Shortcake lamp. Even when TF announces "What I Am Going To Do To The Haters" by demonstrating some wrestling moves on a pillow, it feels like he's only going through the motions.

Nevertheless, I give TF props for going conceptual: a title, no words, and a warning to all.

Having described Tsim Fuckiis' oeuvre to Paul F and Janie H in detail, I sent them the videos. To which Janie replied:

I have so many emotions right now, happening at the same time. I don't know where to begin. I started with the first one -- and stopped as it was hard to watch, you know.

Then, I skipped to the last one..."this is for all you haters one"...and it actually was full of joy. I call it the Yankees pillow dance -- it made me happy instead of sad, so I am leaving it at that.

"Full of joy" is not something I ever would have thought could be applied to Tsim Fuckiis, and all I can say is that Janie has a very generous spirit. I am going to come to her for life coaching next time I'm feeling down...

"My Life is Complete"

So says one commenter on this:

Me -- I think the parasol is a nice touch. Not to mention the music, which I think we can all stipulate is what makes this not just another bipedal pug, but a transcendent experience that made another commenter say: "I have watched this 30 times and it always brings tears of joy in my eyes."

But my favorite comment got practical, simply wanting to know, "What modifications did you do to the stroller so she can push it?"

Which Is More Upsetting?

Hammertime --:

-- or Tsim Fuckiis?

Why is Joan Jett Playing Gyruss?

I'll tell you why Joan Jett is playing Gyruss. Did you ever see a movie called Light of Day? It's about two down out rock and rollers, Patti and Joe, who are also siblings — and who are also Joan Jett and Michael J. Fox. It's true. Check it:

Brian McMullen wrote me out of the blue to note that Light of Day was written — trip on this — by Paul Schrader. And the theme song? Bruce Springsteen. Why, as one of Brian's commenters points out, is Light of Day not a box set Criterion release?

The reason Brian kept me informed about his video rental of Light of Day, by the way, because of its tangential relationship to my inquiry into the Metaphysics of Ms. Pac Man. As Brian notes: 

Joan Jett plays Patti Rasnick, a rock-n-rolling single mom from Cleveland. Although her life is a mess, she finds spiritual relief in coin-op video games — especially Gyruss.

PATTI: I've been trying to live my life by an idea. You see that machine? [Pointing to Centipede.] That's an idea. Rock 'n' roll — that's an idea. All those video-game monsters, bip-bip-bip. All those bipbips are separate. No moment is any more important than another. Nothing comes together — no heaven, no hell, just moments.... I go out there every night just to hear the beat: dvv-dvv-dvv-dvv, dvv-dvv-dvv-dvv, dvv-dvv-dvv-dvv. And that's all there is, man.

This is exactly what Robert Mruczek would say about his 48-hour Star Wars marathon, or what Dwayne Richards might say about his various Nibbler attempts, or what Walter Day believes is the state of mind achieved by communion of the player with the machine. And, according to Paul Schrader, it's the same existential statement made by shredding in front of a stadium of heshers. See? Billy really is a rock star

You Say Qaddafi; I Say Gadhafi...

Everyone's favorite half-cocked Libyan leader back in the news, offering a hero's welcome to Abdelbaset Ali Mohmet al-Megrahi, aka the Lockerbie jackass, and helping drive the nail into Gordon Brown's political career by talking about how such close friends they are now after they got through this difficult political time together. Most people are rightly pissed off about the Lockerbie bomber, but the right wing is also looking to make some political hay out of it, since it reminds everyone about terrorism and supposedly puts Obama in a bind now that Gadhafi (I'll choose that spelling) is coming stateside for a UN visit. Never mind that just a few years ago, America's new-found friendship with our Libyan partners against nuclear proliferation was supposed to represent a big success for Bush, whose foreign policy so terrified Ghadafi that he volunteered to give up his goods. A dubious claim to begin with, but even if true, I'm not sure that screwing up the entire Middle East is worth securing part of the Barbary Coast. But let's get back to that stateside visit. Gadhafi freaked out the New Jersey town of Englewood when he announced that he wanted to pitch his customary traveling tent there. Gadhafi, you see, only rooms Bedouin-style. Even in New Jersey. (The plan was scrapped.) So, what kind of dude is so flamboyant no hotel could contain his stylistic requirements? This type:

Guess which one is the tin pot dictator! (Please click to enlarge photo for full flamboyance.) This came from a recent Vanity Fair collection of Gadhafi sartorial highlights. Some other favorites:

No martial cap is too big for my man. And don't say that Gadhafi's closet is a one trick pony, cuz:

When in Rome, right? Or make that: when in Nome! And here's my favorite, in Dracula (circa '77, Frank Langella version) mode:

Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Think About Poodles Again

More extreme grooming emerges from the depths.

A fishy!:

A buffalo:

And, for the elegant-minded enthusiast, a nice vineyard:

And then there's this creature, spotted on the street by my friend Max. His/her name is pumpkin, even though she does not look like any kind of winter squash. Pumpkin would not last long at a creative grooming competition:

Bad Monkey

File under: WTF?

Will It Fit?

My new favorite tumblr:

How many members of the cast of Waiting to Exhale could fit into this Niagra Falls Barrel? Which ones?

I think we’ve obviously got to put Loretta Devine in first. I think she’s going to give the barrel a lot of stability, and maybe help with the steering. Next, I think you put in Lela Rochon. She’s in the barrel so she’ll stop fucking all these assholes and start respecting herself. Next, this is tricky, I think we’ve got to put Whitney Houston in. I think Angela Basset is clearly the wild card. Whitney Houston will probably be on drugs, but I think that might actually be a plus- she might not even know she’s in a barrel, she might just think Bobby Brown is driving her to the airport. I just don’t think you want Angela Basset in your Niagra Falls barrel. I think she might start acting in there. Please feel free to disagree with me.

Uh-oh, what if Devo was already inside the barrel? I think in that case, you take Loretta Devine and stack Devo in there with her, and put Whitney Houston laying flat on top of their hats, tell her she’s going on a ride, and have Devo to start singing “I want to dance with somebody”.

Get Ready For An Audiovisual Assault On Your Mind. And Your Poodle.

[Quick note to new visitors via viral poodle action: Thanks for coming! If you like these poodles and want something just as dramatic but even more awesome, check out my story on This American Life this week!)

---

On to the poodles!

Listen:

And look:

Yes, that is a teenage mutant ninja poodle. Get it? I know, I know. Which one? Leonardo, obviously. Duh. I mean. Just look at the color of the mask.

MORE CREATIVE GROOMING!