Joshuah Bearman

Toys That Shouldn't Exist, But Do

Et cetera.

Via hodgmania.

 

Guy Mann-Dude

Nuff Fuckin Said, Right?

Drunk Monkey No Joke

I know -- it's an ape, not a monkey. And what's he doing? Drinking magic sap that gives apes a mean hangover!

I love rare white koalas

As does everyone else in the eucalyptus forest, apparently, as we learn at :27:

Obama's Taco Stimulus Plan

Mark Allen sent me this incredible painting:

Puppy Panda

Real or fake?

Urban camouflage is neat

Et cetera.

I Would Like to Meet Some Latina Ladies

You have to at least admire the initiative of the eager young fellow who posted this very real public ad, discovered on a pole by my friend Kevin, wherein is stated a simple objective:

I would like to meet some Latina Ladies to give me money and be my Sex Slaves.
323 540 0962

Let's get down to brass tacks, shall me? Oh, and if you're wondering what the perks of that "position" is, they are listed at the bottom:

Pizza                            Movies                              Pizza
Pizza                                                                     Pizza

Who knew turtles beeped while humping sneakers?

I mean, who hasn't been there, right? Certainly many other turtles have. Because footwearphilia, apparently, is a testudinal epidemic, as evidenced by many similar videos:

Old Testament Vengeance on the National Review

Can be directed by you, which is mildly satisfying.

Yes, but how many farts per second?

Nifty website alert! So Many a Second creates visualizations of statistics so you can perceive the scale of the number. There are categories, like environment (trees cut down is a shocking cascade of instanteously disappearing), and people (births per second are surprisingly sparse). The only thing more dense than the new stars born in the universe is the number of porn requests. Interesting all, but Ronni wanted to know if they add more figures to spice it up, and she cut to the chase with the title question. "Dr. Oz on Oprah says men fart seven times per day while women average five times," she said. "Multiply those numbers times six billion, and then by the number of seconds in the day, and that's a lot. Let's see that in your computer!"

You Know How When You're at a Loss For Words And It Feels Like it's On the Tip of Your Tongue?

Well, for deaf practitioners of sign language, a loss for words feels like it's on the tips of their fingers!

The Old Bollywood Missile Defense Sales Pitch

Israeli Arms Contractor Rafael produces, among other things, combat vehicles, infantry systems, and the very transformer-looking SPYDER Medium Range Air Defense Missile System. And now they're getting into Bollywood music videos too, apparently. This very strange promotional video was made for a Aero India 2009 Bangalore, a trade show in India:

Yes, that appears to be a fog-shrouded room full of missiles in which the loc'ed-out Israeli arms dealer is cavorting with singing belly dancers -- natural partners in the fight against terrorism! The lyrics:

I need to feel safe and sheltered Security and protection Commitment and perfection Together, forever We will never be apart

I think all security alliances should be set to music. Come to think of it, why stop there? Make the world stage a Bollywood production. Trade in that cold hard realism for good old fashioned matters of the heart!

The Rock Schneider is....The Rock Schneider

Here's a movie they ought to make: another huge, big-budget Hulk, again scrapping the earlier ones and pretending that they never happened, but this time finally getting it right with the starring roles filled by Rob Schneider as Bruce/David Banner and The Rock as The Hulk. Haven't you always thought that The Rock looks is a born dead ringer for the monstrous, raging, Hulk-version unrestrained id that lurks within Rob Schneider? Well, I have. And it's not just because of the eyebrow thing:

 

I can't find a picture of Rob Schneider doing the same thing, but fans of his an surely picture it in their minds. I did find a picture of Mr. Schneider in an unnaturally tan state, however:

See what I mean? Combine that look with the fact that both have perfected the eyebrow thing, delicious comic timing, and a tragic vulnerability and now you're talking about a casting miracle. Why Hollywood has not jumped on this opportunity, I'll never know. Someday it will happen, I hope. Because the Rock may not know it, but he already is the superhuman alterego of Rob Schneider. Or maybe Rob Schneider is the mild-mannered rational alterego of The Rock  -- because, really, just who is the alterego in these situations anyhow? You can see why this is pure gold, just waiting to be plucked from the deep by just the right visionary.

In the meantime, what do they give us? Race to Witch Mountain. I won't be seeing that one, and it's not just because I can't find Rob Schneider anywhere on the IMDB cast list. It's because of a tangential childhood trauma, back when the original Escape From Witch Mountain came out. I saw it on television. Several times. And for some reason -- and I know this is weird, but it's true -- the voice of the older brother sounded like peanut butter to me. It was a synaesthetic shock which was already unnerving. Every time he talked, which was a lot, I could sense peanut butter. After a while, it started to feel like we were all drowning in peanut butter. Here he is, the little trickster:

I know. I don't understand it either. But then again, such is the nature of creative genius. Nabokov was a synaesthete too. Anyhow, I can still hear/smell/taste it all now, and it's freaking me out, just like it always did.

I Know it is a Bold Declaration, But The YouTube Mash-Up Just Took a Step Toward Art

Perhaps because it is more than, say, Christian Bale yelling at the stoned kid in the back seat; these are real musical Mash-Ups, like the kind you would listen to on purpose, except using YouTube clips as source material:

Or really, the YouTube clips are instruments. The method, apparently: the guy peruses god knowsh how many clips of songs, historical performances, homemade bedroom noodling, high school band recitals, and low budget YouTube instrumental instructional videos, and combines them to form his own songs. The result is seven diverse -- and good! -- songs of various genres. That first one arranges some fairly active and original funk out of dozens of different instruments and melodies, including a guy with a mullet playing a theremin.

I also like Babylon Band, an unintentional ethnoelectronic supergroup with a levantine sound formed by combining a stonerish kid on his elaborate drum kit with greek teenager jamming on what looks like (to my untrained eyes) a tambouras:

Hear them all here.

In my Ongoing Game of Cute Fwd Chess With The World, Andrea Siegel is a Worthy Adversary, But I Will Still Win!

Boldly, she sized me up. Then she saw my superkitty and baby sloth named lily and raised me two more baby sloths:

But she doesn't know who she's dealing with. You can lay cards like that down on the felt, but you better be prepared to pay the piper. That's a poker saying, or metaphor, or something, right? Anyhow, hers was a good play, so I had to answer with the meta-cute masterstroke of the world's tiniest art director:

"Oh, what sort of play is this?" you ask, fingertips touching and eyebrows arched. At first blush, this drawing may seem to be just a cartoon of some dinosaurs. But it is in fact the result of an ingeniously adorable collaboration between an artist and his four year old daughter. Together they have a blog. She requests drawings. He makes them. Then the daughter evaluates, critiques and either rejects or approves the drawing. The stats of this particular drawing:

The Brief: Some Silly Dinosaurs
The Critique: I like it
Artist Angling For A Better Quote: Anything you don't like about it?
The Critique: Don't ask me that Daddy! Just give me a treat right now!
Job Status: Approved

I know, I know. Believe me, I know. The many drawings are endlessly enjoyable. Makes me want to have a four year old daughter. But only if we can skip the years one, two, and three and then stay on four forever. Also, she can never get grouchy. Although, some critical sensibility is necessary, since some of my favorite entries from this four year old are the drawings that don't make the cut, like this the Stupid Ugly Angry Monkey:

The Brief: A Monkey
The Critique: Stupid ugly angry monkey. I hate him.
Job Status: Rejected
Additional Comments: His tummy and his belly button and his eyebrows and his hands and his feet. And his head too.

Fun in a bun

How Holographic Hoagies Can Help Shed The Pounds

John Silver has arrived at an ingenious invention. Get in on the ground floor. It is an elliptical machine with a modified control panel:

Instead of showing me how many calories I've burned, what if there was a graphic representation of those calories - as delicious food? So when I start running there is just a pile of shredded lettuce but as I continue to run, some pickles rain down, followed by buns, a 100% all-beef patty, followed by all the "fixin's and spreads" ... I need the treadmill because I love food and so what better to keep me motivated than by having me "chase" a juicy burger that only gets juicier looking - the more I run?

When we "roll out" the device, we will have other options besides burger, including several vegetarian entrees. In fact, I am envisioning at least 10 different food options. We will have everything from hot fudge sundaes to sushi.

Even Cats Get Their Own Wal Mart

Every time I get forwards about animals, I say to myself: Don't do it, Bearman. Have some dignity. Take back control of your life. Don't click it. It's just a dancing Walrus, and is that really what you need more of? Apparently, it is. Because I always click on it. And then I am rewarded by the sight of a hamster on a piano eating popcorn, baby hedghogs with little casts, poodles groomed to look like teenage mutant ninja turtles, or a man who has built a remote potemkin city for his five hundred cats:

The proprieter of the Caboodle Ranch -- and yes, the news package couldn't resist intro-ing with "the whole Kitten Coboodle" -- explains that "This is animal control," while covered in no less than five cats. As Pauline, the forwarding friend in this instance, pointed out, the nature of this man's feline city raises many questions. Why Wal Mart and not PetCo? Jellotime91, a YouTube commenter, stayed true to form with a less cerebral reaction:

Amazing! I want to donate asap lol..
God I fucking love cats.

My sentiments precisely! Which makes me wonder why this video only has 27,000 views. I'd of thought it would have taken off by now. Someone once told me that no cat-related product has ever lost money. And it would follow then, that no cat-related YouTube shall ever remain un-viral. Mark my words.

This is Even More Fucked Up

For reasons that can only be known to him, a man in Kentucky impersonated a doctor in order to fool homeless people into getting naked:

To Timothy Lucas, it sounded like easy money.

All he had to do was let a doctor give him a physical exam and he would earn $50 - no small amount for the homeless Lexington, Kentucky man.

Instead, Lucas became one of an unknown number of people allegedly duped by a man posing as a doctor doing medical research. Now that man, Dean Alan Willoughby, 43, is accused of practising medicine without a license and is awaiting a hearing in court next week.

Lexington police continue to delve into his practices and are urging patients to come forward. It is unknown how many people Willoughby might have seen at his office, or for how long.

People like Lucas are angry to learn Willoughby not only passed himself off as a doctor, but that he also did the same years ago in South Carolina, where he was convicted and spent time in prison.

"I feel violated," Lucas said yesterday at the Catholic Action Centre. "If I knew that, I wouldn't have done it."

Lucas and two other men told staff at the centre that they visited Willoughby's office. Lucas said he stripped naked and was given a full physical, from his ears and nose down to his prostate. He was even supposedly tested for sexually transmitted diseases. It all took about 10 minutes.

Willoughby acted professionally and even took notes in a chart, Lucas said. "It was a basic physical. He said I was healthy," Lucas said with a bemused look on his face. "Why would he even do that if it wasn't legit?"

This very strange type of sex offender is also a recividist: 

In 1994, Willoughby created a public health scare among nearly 200 people he examined, many of whom were homeless, according to The State newspaper in Columbia, South Carolina.

The then-assistant church pastor pleaded guilty to practising medicine without a license, aggravated assault and distributing a controlled substance.

He pleaded guilty to practising medicine without a license, three counts of aggravated assault and one count of distributing a controlled substance. A judge sentenced him to 10 years in prison, suspended to two years.

Lexington police do not know how long Willoughby was examining people here, nor how many. "We don't even know what kind of ballpark figure we're looking at," Lexington police spokeswoman Ann Gutierrez said. His ruse "could go back several years".

He never obtained a medical license in Kentucky or South Carolina, according to police.

This is Really Fucked Up

A Wal Mart employee said he "just couldn't take it any more" and committed suicide via self-immolation in the parking lot:

A 58-year-old Wal-Mart employee who said he "couldn't take it anymore" lit himself on fire in a parking lot near the Bloomingdale store where he worked late Thursday night and was later pronounced dead at a hospital, authorities said this morning.

In an interview, his son said his father went to work last night with nothing seeming out of the ordinary. "This had nothing to do with the economy. I want to make that clear," he said, adding that the family may never know the reason for the public suicide.

The Carol Stream man, who worked the overnight shift, was in a parking lot of an adjacent sporting goods store in the west suburban strip mall when he set himself on fire with lighter fluid around 10 p.m., said Randy Sater, a watch commander with the Bloomingdale Police Department.

The man set himself afire outside of 328 W. Army Trail Road, and the Wal-Mart is at 314 W. Army Trail Road, in the same mall, Wal-Mart corporate spokesman Dan Fogleman said.

At least 10 people, including some teenagers, witnessed the suicide and several attempted to help the man by throwing their coats on top of him in an effort to put out the flames, he said.

"He said he didn't want any help and threw the coats off," Sater said.

When one of the first officers tried to speak to the man, who by that time was severely burned, he responded, "I just couldn't take it anymore," Sater said, citing the officer's report.

The man "enjoyed his job and living in the 'burbs," his son said. "We were getting ready to redo the front lawn." He added that his father had no health problems.

"You try not to ask yourself the question [why he did it] because there's no answer," the son said.

At the Mandrake