Last week's post about the ramifications of Florida's apparent legal penalty for farting got two types of emails. Typical was Ronni's thought experiment as to whether the criminalization of farts wouldn't encourage a mass wave of citizens arrests. This seemed to be a future she to which she aspired. Hers was a law-and-order crackdown-type maximalist position. The other side argued for a more tolerant system, one that emphasizes intervention and prevention. John wondered why we have to fill up the prisons with millions of nonviolent olfactory offenders when the problem can be solved with this simple miracle product:
Yes. It's true. There is commercially marketed brand of "flatulence filtering underwear" called Shreddies. As evidenced by Miss Emma Webber, Dental Hygienist, a proud "Shreddies Girl."
How does it work? Like so:
This is real. You can buy them. And why wouldn't you? Shreddies are as stylish as they are effective:
The style and supple fabric is very flattering. The hipsters do provide a degree of lift and support which achieves moderate enhancement of the genitals. The support boxers have been designed to give greater support than any other underwear and the technique of supporting the genitals with a testicular sling anchored from each hip has been patented. The support boxers lift the genitals out from between the legs and hold everything forward. Athletes like our model, Olympic high jumper Ben Challenger, find that training becomes much more comfortable as the genitals are held securely in place.
Don't take it from them. Listen to the testimonials:
"I have received my Shreddies and just to let you know, they have been tried out; a lot. What can I say? They are BRILLIANT!!! My husband is the original johnny fart pants, and these pants have made a massive difference. I no longer have to endure the vile stench! I will be recommending them to all my long suffering friends!! Thanks!"
Apparently, the filter stays "100% effective for 10 years of constant use, without washing." Although presumably one would want to wash them, regardless of the potential detriment to the carbon fiber filter. But the constant presence of such a filter begs the question: how exactly are the "emissions" stored? Do you have to carry them around with you for ten years? Can they escape en masse, causing double embarassment? Let's got down to some logistics, too: does the filter change color, like a Brita? Can you replace the filter, like a vaccuum bag, and send it in to some centralized alternative energy plant? if so, now you're talking! Imagine the possibilities. Forget the looming prison population crisis; Shreddies can harness an untapped energy source. Now everyone can save nature, right from their easy chair. Buncha fellas sittin around eating cheetos and playing poker + Shreddies = greening the earth for future generations! I think we're on to something here. This is going to be big. Tell your friends. Call your congressman. Start a my.shreddies.obama.future.com network. We're in for a Shreddies world, people. Shreddies. Something about the name just says it all. Get used to it.