Joshuah Bearman: Ain't No Half Steppin'

Nov 02, 2004

Ain't No Half Steppin'

The thing about all the GOP shenanigans at the polls is that they're not going to work this time. In 2000, people were scared off by lines. They weren't expecting them, so in precincts where polling was slowed and queues developed there was a steady voter attrition. Now, no one dares walk away from a polling site. "It's your right," the army of Democratic GOTV support people say when someone looks daunted. "Don't walk away from that." And they don't. If they need water, there's water. Chairs if their legs get tired. Food if their hungry. That's why only two people left the line in the ten days of early voting I've seen, even in places where the line left you in the sun for up to six hours.

That's longer than the longest line at Disney World, and yet everyone wants to stick it out. "We remember what happened last time," they say, "and we're going to vote no matter what." That's why those GOP goofs withe gay pride signs were just wasting their time. And the challenges and provisional balloting and the rest of it will only delay the inevitable, which is that the people who want to vote will get their chance. Based on what I've observed in early voting, Democratic turnout is going to be unstoppable today. No amount of confusion or intimidation will be able to create lines at the precinct level like we've seen in early voting.

"We're gonna win," said Larry Davis, an attorney with the Kerry/Edwards legal team. He expects an organized assault to arrive in Broward County at some point in the day, but adds, "the turnout is incredible. In Florida at least, I think we're gonna get 'em."

And have fun doing it. Everywhere in the polling stations I've been, the mood is good. It's like a community event. Even areas that are politically mixed have been very lively inside. And in the Democratic strongholds, the voting line is like a party. Peope are giddy, excited to be get a chance to "help George Bush have to dust off his resume," as one voter last night put it. That was at the Lauderhills Mall station, which is a mostly Caribbean area of Broward County. We went there for a look at the final run of early voting. The last person to get in line at 6:00 pm left the building past ten.

But spirits were high. We helped distribute water and bought some food for people who'd come straight from work and went without dinner for three hours. One woman, who went only by Smoke, was shouting chants witha bullhorn to keep everyone motivated. She was with a group called Caribbean Vote Power that's been organizing that vote with more determination than ever. At around 7pm, she called in her DJ son and asked him to bring his rig for entertainment. A few minutes later, he showed up in a Ford Bronco pulling a trailer with a generator and 4,000 watts of speaker power, keeping it crunk across the whole parking lot where the voters were lined up. People were dancing, including Stephen Elliott, who was cold cutting it up on the pavement with Kay Sarlin, my publicist.

The spirit was moving at times. Like when we convinced one guy to stay in the line who had just come from work, hanging drywall, and was covered in paint and dust and plaster chips. "I don't know if I can wait," he said when he saw the size of the crowd. But he didn't know if he could take off work tomorrow. This was the time he allotted himself to vote. And he didn't realize that his voting precinct was in a different place than the early voting site. So Smoke stepped in. "You should get it done," she said. "Don't wait. Make your vote count now, like all these people." Near us in the line were elderly people and first time voters, parents with their children, disabled people, and at least one blind man. "Alright," he said, "I want to do it, but I'm very hungry." So we offered to bring him dinner, and he agreed. "Thanks you very much," he said when we returned. "I'm glad I didn't go home. I don't care how long it takes, I'm voting, and this time it's going to mean something."

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Readings

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Number Three! Last one was sold out so we moved to a slightly larger theater. Andy Richter hosted, and his opening exegesis of CSI: Miami warmed the people up right. Evany Thomas presented her very scientific findings on the Secret Language of Sleep; Starlee Kine bared her neuroses to the world (or at least the 300 people in the audience); Josh Davis showed video of his 135-lb self sumo wrestling a 550-lb opera singer from San Bernardino; and Davy Rothbart closed it out with some Found Magazine magic. Grant Lee Phillips, Sam Shelton and Zooey Deschanel provided the music punctuation! I can still hear their rendition of We Are the Champions.
McSweeny's Presents: The World, Explained | Feb 11, 2006
The second in our series of precision comedy and fact-based entertainment extravaganzas benefiting 826LA. Patton Oswalt was kind enough to host, and Jon Brion joined in on the piano and guitar as thematic accompaniment. Presenters included: David Rees, Michael Colton, John Hodgman (along with his hirsuit troubadour, Jonathan Coulton), and me. Plus: a fashion show of exciting multi-user garmentry.
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The Animals: Are They Our Enemies? In the case of my presentation about the giant gerbils of Xinjiang, the answer is yes.
July 25: TJ to LA -- A Night McSweeney's Readings
I was honored to be part of a strange triptych along with Salvador Plascencia and Josh Kun. Sponsored, somehow, by La Ciudad magazine, we all packed into Beyond Baroque with no air conditions. 150 people showed at 7 o'clock on a Friday evening, which we took as a good sign of something. Sal held up and anxiously discussed drawings from his novel, Josh delivered an essay on the Dr. Moreau of Tijuana, and my shtick (again) was Pac Man and metaphysics, this time with fun slides.
October 8th: Skylight Books w/Stephen Elliott
Fun times were had by all. Someone in the audience actually mistook me for an expert on the psychology human character. We ate shrimp cocktail and drank cheap wine and laughed at Bush and celebrated the certainty of right besting wrong in American democracy. A lot of good that did.
October 9th: MoveOn Fundraiser in Los Angeles
See above.

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Joshuah Bearman

Nov 02, 2004

Ain't No Half Steppin'

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