Joshuah Bearman: Who Served?

Oct 20, 2004

Who Served?

Sometimes, visual aids help drive the point home.

We all know, by now, that those most enthusiastic about war have never fought in one. Which is why the Presidents with military backgrounds tend not to rush to war — as opposed to those Presidents who used family connections to dodge a war in Air National Guard and then spent much of that time chasing PBR with poontang in a rented house in Alabama. Likewise for the neocons — those theorists of the glory of American military power whose sole familiarity with that power was gleaned from the History channel and tours of military facilities within driving distance of Washington D.C. And — big surprise! — the same goes for the hardest right leadership of the GOP, and their boosters across Fox and the AM dial, all of whom managed to dodge Vietnam as well. Funny how, when push came to shove, the super patriots weren't patriotic enough to take up arms for that great American mission in Indochine they all believed in so much. Who was there? John Kerry. Max Cleland. Tom Daschle. Tom Harkin. Even Grey fucking Davis got his ass over there.

And George McGovern, the guy the original GOP cynics smeared as a counter-cultural peacenik and whose name has become politically synonomous with softie, won his Silver Star in the ol' WW. In short, the real patriots stack up one side of the aisle, as they say, and if you haven't figured out which side that is, here's the list:

Democrats

* Bob Kerrey: Lt. j.g. Navy 1966-69; Medal of Honor, Vietnam.
* John Kerry: Lt., Navy 1966-70; Silver Star, Bronze Star, etc.
* Richard Gephardt: Air National Guard, 1965-71.
* George McGovern: Silver Star & DFC during WWII.
* Walter Mondale: Army 1951-1953
* Tom Daschle: 1st Lt., Air Force SAC 1969-72.
* Al Gore: Enlisted 1969; sent to Vietnam as army journalist.
* Jimmy Carter: Seven years in the Navy.
* John Glenn: WWII and Korea; six DFCs and Air Medal.
* Daniel Inouye: Army 1943-47; Medal of Honor, WWII.
* Charles Rangel: Staff Sgt., Army 1948-52; Bronze Star, Korea.
* Max Cleland: Captain, Army 1965-68; Silver & Bronze Stars.
* Tom Harkin: Lt., Navy, 1962-67; Naval Reserve, 1968-74.
* Gray Davis: Army Captain in Vietnam, Bronze Star.

The Republicans:

* Dick Cheney: did not serve. (Five deferments!)
* Dennis Hastert: did not serve.
* Tom Delay: did not serve.
* Bill Frist: did not serve.
* Mitch McConnell: did not serve.
* Rick Santorum: did not serve.
* Trent Lott: did not serve.
* John Ashcroft: did not serve. (Seven deferments!)
* Jeb Bush: did not serve.
* Karl Rove: did not serve.
* Saxby Chambliss: did not serve. (Because of his "bad knee"; and this is the sorry excuse of a man who attacked Max Cleland's patriotism.)
* Richard Shelby: did not serve.
* Tim Hutchison: did not serve.
* Newt Gingrich: did not serve.
* Don Rumsfeld: served in Navy (1954-57) as flight instructor.
* Kemp: did not serve. The active NFL star had a "knee problem."
* Dan Quayle: Journalism unit of the Indiana National Guard.
* Rudy Giuliani: did not serve.
* George Pataki: did not serve.
* Phil Gramm: did not serve.
* Ronald Reagan: Even our old friend reagan, didn't fight the good fight. "Poor eyesight" kept him in a non-combat role, making propaganda films. But it didn't keep him from accidentally remembering himselv in combat service years later, only to be reminded that was just a movie.

And don't forget:
* George W. Bush: failed to complete his six-year National Guard; got assigned to Alabama so he could campaign for family friend running for U.S. Senate; failed to show up for required medical exam, disappeared from duty.

Neocons:

* Paul Wolfowitz: did not serve.
* Richard Perle: did not serve.
* Douglas Feith: did not serve.
* Eliot Abrams: did not serve.
* Bill Kristol: did not serve.

Oh yeah, and here's the record for the top echelon of the media's patriots. These, of course, are the people questioning Kerry's patriotism:

* Sean Hannity: did not serve.
* Rush Limbaugh: did not serve. (4-F with a 'pilonidal cyst.')
* Bill O'Reilly: did not serve.
* Paul Gigot: did not serve.
* Bill Bennett: did not serve.
* Pat Buchanan: did not serve.
* Ralph Reed: did not serve.
* Michael Medved: did not serve.

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Readings

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McSweeny's Presents: The World, Explained | Dec 9, 2006
For those who missed it, there will be more. World, Explained is going strong! Money was raised, laughs were had, and for those paying attention, small amounts of useful information about things like the aurora borealis were transmitted. Plus: Michael Cera = lovably funny. And Nick Diamonds' renditions of Dumb Dog and Hanging Tough are still in my head. As is that horribly catchy Fresh Step jam.
Jest Fest at Skylight Books
Somehow I wound up hosting the 10th anniversary jubilee for Infinite Jest at Skylight Books. Because who doesn't love a jubilee, right? Despite being delirious with Hepatitis A (that's the mild, non-lethal kind; I'm not at risk for Hep B since I always go the needle share and choose clean-looking prostitutes), I managed to not mis-pronounce anyone's name and make an erudite joke and poke gentle fun at Michael Silverblatt.
McSweeny's Presents: The World, Explained | June 10, 2006
Number Three! Last one was sold out so we moved to a slightly larger theater. Andy Richter hosted, and his opening exegesis of CSI: Miami warmed the people up right. Evany Thomas presented her very scientific findings on the Secret Language of Sleep; Starlee Kine bared her neuroses to the world (or at least the 300 people in the audience); Josh Davis showed video of his 135-lb self sumo wrestling a 550-lb opera singer from San Bernardino; and Davy Rothbart closed it out with some Found Magazine magic. Grant Lee Phillips, Sam Shelton and Zooey Deschanel provided the music punctuation! I can still hear their rendition of We Are the Champions.
McSweeny's Presents: The World, Explained | Feb 11, 2006
The second in our series of precision comedy and fact-based entertainment extravaganzas benefiting 826LA. Patton Oswalt was kind enough to host, and Jon Brion joined in on the piano and guitar as thematic accompaniment. Presenters included: David Rees, Michael Colton, John Hodgman (along with his hirsuit troubadour, Jonathan Coulton), and me. Plus: a fashion show of exciting multi-user garmentry.
Little Gray Book Lecture at Galapagos
How to Observe President's Day. Jonathan Coulton's technical wizardry has made this entire show available online. The summary from PRX: Sarah Vowell, John Hodgman and Joshuah Bearman on Presidents' Day, along with a fifteen-piece marching band and a new song about all forty-three presidents. My contribution? Yes, from Yeti Researcher. Again. Actually that was the first one. So I have only five stories!
Little Gray Book Lecture 25 at Galapagos
The Animals: Are They Our Enemies? In the case of my presentation about the giant gerbils of Xinjiang, the answer is yes.
July 25: TJ to LA -- A Night McSweeney's Readings
I was honored to be part of a strange triptych along with Salvador Plascencia and Josh Kun. Sponsored, somehow, by La Ciudad magazine, we all packed into Beyond Baroque with no air conditions. 150 people showed at 7 o'clock on a Friday evening, which we took as a good sign of something. Sal held up and anxiously discussed drawings from his novel, Josh delivered an essay on the Dr. Moreau of Tijuana, and my shtick (again) was Pac Man and metaphysics, this time with fun slides.
October 8th: Skylight Books w/Stephen Elliott
Fun times were had by all. Someone in the audience actually mistook me for an expert on the psychology human character. We ate shrimp cocktail and drank cheap wine and laughed at Bush and celebrated the certainty of right besting wrong in American democracy. A lot of good that did.
October 9th: MoveOn Fundraiser in Los Angeles
See above.

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Yeti Researcher
Yet another 100-page issue of the world's top academic journal devoted scholarship about the Yeti, Bigfoot, Sasqatch, and other mystery primates worldwide. For researchers and lay audiences alike, the latest YR features a history of Sasquatch sightings in southern California, an update on the wily orang pendek of Sumatra, and a new look into Teddy Roosevelt's obsession with bagging a Bigfoot. As Editor-in-Chief, I promise you won't be disappointed.
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Digital Trim
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Oct 20, 2004

Who Served?

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