Preserved for posterity: a recently removed craigslist ad for a fixed gear bike. The sweetest fixed gear bike, apparently, that ever existed:
Grab a paper bag, breathe into it and calm your ass down.
You're hyperventilating because you ain't never seen a deal like this before.
Now collect yourself, then keep reading this incredible description that barely
serves to do justice to my 2010 Felt Gridlock 3 speed fixed gear bike. Yes 3
SPEED FIXED GEAR. Also known as the greatest bike the city has ever had the
privilege of existing around.
What makes this bike so much better than every
other bike that has ever been pedaled? Glad you asked. It starts with the paint
scheme. It looks like Iron Man if Iron Man were a bike. That's bold, son. Curb
appeal. It's probably also why some piece of trash stole the front tire that
originally came with this beauty. Why didn't he steal the whole bike? Because
he knew he wasn't man enough. That's ok, I replaced it with something that
looks even more boss. The next thing is the genuine leather seat. My taint has
had a love/hate relationship with this particular bit of the machine. But it's
got those swanky brass rivets so I can't stay mad that it smashed my prostate
and has likely rendered fatherhood impossible. But let's face it, I'd rather
have have a bike than a kid.
What else? Let's talk about that three speed
in-the-hub, fixed-gear transmission for a second. It's as gnarly as it is
exotic. Like the tropical, saw-toothed platypus. Which is a species that does't
even exist. Fortunately this crazy ass hub does. It offers 3 speeds, as the
name implies. It also offers a terrific chance to introduce that dome of yours
to the asphalt if you fucking sleep for one single second on this bitch. So
don't trip. Ride safe. Get a helmet and if you've never ridden a fixed gear
bike, maybe it's time to move along, young sir because this back tire doesn't
flip flop and it doesn't offer any respite. What this bike does offer is a
one-way ticket to legits-ville. Find a bowling ball. Then find another one.
Your nuts must be at least that big to even consider making this whip the
dreamiest object to ever take up too much space in your tiny ass apartment. But
you'll be filled with joy once you throw a leg over this flawless piece of
American-made* cycling excellence.
What else? Ryan, the paint's a little dinged up.
Yeah, well, that's called real life. It comes at you fast, bro. Besides, you
really want this glimmering, shimmering sex machine catching the eye of some
small time thief? I already told you what happened to the tire. You really
don't want to be living your own version of PeeWee's big adventure. Consider
the lived-in feel a natural crime deterrent. If this bike were denim jeans,
it'd be called "de-stressed" and you'd be paying extra for the
privilege. I'm not gonna charge you extra for it, though. Cause I'm not trying
to take advantage of you. But you should take advantage of this
But, aren't you sad about selling the greatest
bike on earth? No. When you ride this bike once it permanently eliminates your
ability to feel sad about anything ever again. Even for little puppies who are
afraid to walk down the stairs, because the stairs...they're so big, and
they're so little. Puppies who are young, but have already discovered the world
to be a cold, unforgiving place. But you won't give a shit about it because
you'll be on your awesome new bike living the dream.
Ryan, is that a toilet in the background? Yes.
Why? Because this bike is the shit. And you've just learned something else
about me. That's right, my name is Ryan. And your name is lucky motherfucker if
you make the best choice of your life and pay me cold, hard cash for this
*Felt bikes are imported from Taiwan. Sorry to
burst your bubble, homie, but globalization has been restructuring the way
products get manufactured and sold since the 80's. Some believe it's eroding
the American middle class. If you're the last to know, sorry for party rocking.
Read "The World Is Flat." Form an opinion. Joint the dialog. By the
way, the book is like 12 years old so this shouldn't be news. Shit's fucked up,
but we didn't start the fire. No we didn't light it, but we tried to fight it.
Now buy this bitchin' ass bike.
The Zombie Zeitgeist A full scale movement is on the lurch. But why the best zombie movie ever made a video game?
Believer interview with Mark Allen Digital artist and awesome gallerist Mark Allen talks about Tekken Torture Tournament and other projects where people were wired to machines and did strange things in public.
Believer interview with Marjane Satrapi Enlightening Q & A with the Persian cartoonist, memoirist, quick conversationalist in which she declares: “THE WORLD IS NOT ABOUT BATMAN AND ROBIN FIGHTING THE JOKER; THINGS ARE MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT.”
Yeti Researcher Yet another 100-page issue of the world's top academic journal devoted scholarship about the Yeti, Bigfoot, Sasqatch, and other mystery primates worldwide. For researchers and lay audiences alike, the latest YR features a history of Sasquatch sightings in southern California, an update on the wily orang pendek of Sumatra, and a new look into Teddy Roosevelt's obsession with bagging a Bigfoot. As Editor-in-Chief, I promise you won't be disappointed.
Panda PowerPoint! I guess I don't mind being "the entertainment" when it's at Mark Allen's second annual Holiday Fry-B-Que. Presented: preliminary findings from my ongoing research into the most charismatic megafauna of all: Giant Pandas.
McSweeny's Presents: The World, Explained | Dec 9, 2006 For those who missed it, there will be more. World, Explained is going strong! Money was raised, laughs were had, and for those paying attention, small amounts of useful information about things like the aurora borealis were transmitted. Plus: Michael Cera = lovably funny. And Nick Diamonds' renditions of Dumb Dog and Hanging Tough are still in my head. As is that horribly catchy Fresh Step jam.
Jest Fest at Skylight Books Somehow I wound up hosting the 10th anniversary jubilee for Infinite Jest at Skylight Books. Because who doesn't love a jubilee, right? Despite being delirious with Hepatitis A (that's the mild, non-lethal kind; I'm not at risk for Hep B since I always go the needle share and choose clean-looking prostitutes), I managed to not mis-pronounce anyone's name and make an erudite joke and poke gentle fun at Michael Silverblatt.
McSweeny's Presents: The World, Explained | June 10, 2006 Number Three! Last one was sold out so we moved to a slightly larger theater. Andy Richter hosted, and his opening exegesis of CSI: Miami warmed the people up right. Evany Thomas presented her very scientific findings on the Secret Language of Sleep; Starlee Kine bared her neuroses to the world (or at least the 300 people in the audience); Josh Davis showed video of his 135-lb self sumo wrestling a 550-lb opera singer from San Bernardino; and Davy Rothbart closed it out with some Found Magazine magic. Grant Lee Phillips, Sam Shelton and Zooey Deschanel provided the music punctuation! I can still hear their rendition of We Are the Champions.
McSweeny's Presents: The World, Explained | Feb 11, 2006 The second in our series of precision comedy and fact-based entertainment extravaganzas benefiting 826LA. Patton Oswalt was kind enough to host, and Jon Brion joined in on the piano and guitar as thematic accompaniment. Presenters included: David Rees, Michael Colton, John Hodgman (along with his hirsuit troubadour, Jonathan Coulton), and me. Plus: a fashion show of exciting multi-user garmentry.
Little Gray Book Lecture at Galapagos How to Observe President's Day. Jonathan Coulton's technical wizardry has made this entire show available online. The summary from PRX: Sarah Vowell, John Hodgman and Joshuah Bearman on Presidents' Day, along with a fifteen-piece marching band and a new song about all forty-three presidents. My contribution? Yes, from Yeti Researcher. Again. Actually that was the first one. So I have only five stories!
July 25: TJ to LA -- A Night McSweeney's Readings I was honored to be part of a strange triptych along with Salvador Plascencia and Josh Kun. Sponsored, somehow, by La Ciudad magazine, we all packed into Beyond Baroque with no air conditions. 150 people showed at 7 o'clock on a Friday evening, which we took as a good sign of something. Sal held up and anxiously discussed drawings from his novel, Josh delivered an essay on the Dr. Moreau of Tijuana, and my shtick (again) was Pac Man and metaphysics, this time with fun slides.
October 8th: Skylight Books w/Stephen Elliott Fun times were had by all. Someone in the audience actually mistook me for an expert on the psychology human character. We ate shrimp cocktail and drank cheap wine and laughed at Bush and celebrated the certainty of right besting wrong in American democracy. A lot of good that did.